Pants

One of my favorite bloggers is the super duper awesome Sarah Brown. She is a comic genius and my favorite kind of writer. My favorite kind of writer = someone who can take something you had never given any actual thought to, a situation/personality tic/feeling/etc., and describe it so perfectly that you go, "HOLY GOD, yes!! This is something I am constantly experiencing in my life, how have I never noticed this before??!" I love that.

I was reading yesterday's post, and I had one of those moments. The whole post is spectacular, but the part I totally connected with was when she described what an avid reader she is:

"Sometimes I am late to work because I read my shampoo bottle in the shower. Why? Because it is there. There are words on it. The same words as yesterday morning, but that really can’t be helped. If I don’t read them, who will?"

YES, Sarah Brown! ME TOO!! I could not have said it better myself! I have read every shampoo bottle I have ever used, thoroughly and repeatedly. I also mentally edit for grammar and punctuation. I stand there under the water, reading the words I have already memorized, when I should be dried off and entering the deodorant application portion of my personal hygiene routine. This affinity for shampoo literature has caused me a great deal of consternation during the past few weeks, however.

You see, my current 'poo/'ditioner have trivia questions on the back of them. Which is great for a person's shower library, BUT. It requires a matching set. My hair is all crazytown and has special needs, so I didn't get a matching set. I have "Drama Clean" shampoo (scalp tends toward greasy) and "Hello Hydration" conditioner (ends tend toward split).

This puts me in a predicament, because it leaves me with:

Question: Who, on average, do you spend the most time talking to on the phone?

Answer: Pants.

While this makes me giggle, it also sends my brain into spasms. I don't actually care about the real answer to the phone question. But I am dying to know what question out there is answered with "pants." Many a morning have I stood in my shower, slack-jawed and letting the room get blindingly steamy, wondering what question "pants" belongs to.

What is the British word for "undergarments"?

Which item on Spongebob is square?

What is the term for having your shorts pulled down by someone else, usually in front of a large group of people, probably at summer camp?

I wonder this every morning. (Or almost every morning. Sometimes sleep is more important than washing off the stink.) What, friends, is the right question? Suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Side note: One of my favorite movie scenes ever is in "Billy Madison" when Adam Sandler is in the tub and he makes Shampoo and Conditioner fight each other. Next time we are in the bathtub together, I will happily re-enact this scene for you, as I have committed it to memory. And then I will ask you to kindly step out of my bathtub, you pervert.