Eau d' Febreze(R)

You know what is the best scent ever? Febreze. Now, I've never stood in a rose garden at dawn while a light, dewy breeze tickles my nose with the satiny scent of a thousand different buds and blossoms. I'm pretty sure that would smell okay. But Febreze? I'm willing to bet Febreze is way better. Febreze is like cocaine, except for your nose. Wait. I mean... I don't know, I've never done cocaine. I guess what I'm saying is, from what I hear, Febreze is a lot like cocaine -- it goes up your nose and you can't get enough of it. Except I don't think you can OD on Febreze, because if that were possible I'm pretty sure I'd be sitting in an urn somewhere by now. Because to me, Febreze is the olfactory equivalent of a glass of champagne, a deep tissue massage, and a really excellent blow job all rolled into one. So I want it as frequently as possible.

(Incidentally, I'm always worried that people will think I'm a coke-head, even though I've never done cocaine. I happen to have a very itchy nose, so I'm always walking around, rubbing my nose, which is what coke-heads do on TV. I especially try to resist rubbing my nose when I've just come out of the bathroom, so as not to invite suspicion. But then as soon as I think to myself, "Self, don't itch your nose," my nose gets all itchy. It's like hearing the word "yawn" and then trying not to yawn yourself. You are totally trying to resist the urge to yawn right now, aren't you? HA!)

Anyway, I think Febreze is heaven-sent. Or heaven-scent, since I love a good pun. So when I saw that they have Febreze-scented laundry soap and dryer sheets, I about spotaneously combusted with joy. (Is combusted a word? Or should it just be combust? Hm.) Fresh laundry? Delightful. Fresh laundry that smells like Febreze? Transcendant.

BUT WAIT, THAT'S NOT ALL. I got the stroke of genius to put the Febreze dryer sheets in strategic places throughout my apartment, completely banishing unpleasant odors! I stuck some of the little guys in my closet, which tends to smell like an elderly, flatulent, chronic halitosis sufferer is buried under the floorboards. The other day I was sitting at my desk at work thinking, "Wow, there is a very pleasing aroma around here, I wonder what it is." Then when I went to lunch, the lovely smell followed me. Because sometimes I'm slightly dumb, it took me all day to realize that the heavenly smell was me! I smelled like Febreze! And not old closet stink!

So, in all of my geniusyness, I put a dryer sheet inside the garbage cupboard. I thought this was an inspired idea -- cover up 5-day old pizza smell with Febreze! Except now I have this kind of weird olfactory dysphoria where I can't tell if my laundry smells like fresh garbage, or if my garbage smells like rotting laundry.