Did you have to, did you have to let it linger?

Have you ever run out to, say, the grocery store? And in your car on the way there, maybe you farted? And when you got back into your car with your pepperoni DiGiorno and six-pack of PBR, it still smelled like fart?

Oh.

Yeah, me neither.

Rough... or, not at all

I just got the most hiiiilarious text message I think I've ever received. It's from a dude I thought I had managed to sufficiently blow off several weeks ago. This is what it said:

hey wanna meet up for some rough sex tonight?

Allow me to explain, in list form, why this message invokes such hilarity.

1.) I haven't spoken to this guy in weeks, possibly months.
2.) We never had sex of any kind, not even soft-focus lens, gentle sex. Heck, we didn't even dry hump.
3.) He is a tiny, tiny person and weighs about the same as me, which is not a great deal. I don't think this guy is capable of rough thumb-wrestling, let alone rough sex.

I have NO IDEA how to respond to this, but I do know that whenever I need a laugh during these next few days, I will go back and read that text. Oh man, I am smiling to myself like a total asshole right now.

PANTONE 292

So, my best ho and I just moved into this big house with a pool in the suburbs -- RENT FREE. If you're keeping score, that means -1 (suburbs) +1 (pool) +1 (best ho) and +1 (no rent), putting us a solid 2 points into the positive. YESSSssss!

BUT, in a cruel twist of fate, that dumb ho up and got herself a man, within point two seconds of us moving into our suburban paradise, what was meant to be the bachelorette pad of our dreams. So now while they are off skipping hand-in-hand through poppy fields, I have moved away from all my other friends and am left to sulk and drink entire bottles of 2-buck Chuck by myself, in the barren, social wasteland of the San Gabriel Valley.

Now I totally understand how your dog feels when you leave him home alone for too long. Because I'm kind of tempted to shit in my roommate's shoes and shred all the toilet paper in her bathroom. Figuratively, I mean.