And more pants

I don't know what is going on, whether it is something to do with my astrology or what, but pants continue to plague me. And not just in the shower!


I am in dire need of some new pants. Pants that do not squish my belly out over the waistband, thereby giving me muffintop. Pants that do not create a coin-slot in the back when I sit down. Pants that manage to make my butt look full and spankalicious, not flat and pancakey. (I am so terrified that one day I am going to turn in to one of those ladies whose butt has migrated outward, abandoning the buttal region and setting up shop in hipsville. What if that is me one day!!! I can already feel my butt sliding down the back of my thighs. Soon there will be no distinction from knees all the way up to shoulders. agggggghhhhhh)


Anyway, I am perusing the Urban Outfitters website and I realize that I am officially an Old Lady. I am appalled by everything The Kids are wearing These Days. My options, according to Urban Outfitters, are to either wear pants so large I could smuggle WMDs in them, or to wear pants so tight that if I farted, the stink would be vacuum-sealed in until I peeled them off of me.



Exhibit A:


The "Boyfriend Pant"

This is attractive? This pajama-pant looking, long-crotched besmirchment of the female form? Let's all agree that our boyfriends' pants are best worn by our boyfriends. Who have use for spacious crotchal areas in their jeans.

BUT! It gets worse.

Exhibit B:

The "Upholstered Sofa Posing as Pants" Pants

If these pants make a professional model look hideous, why would I even attempt to wear them? Because I want to make my breasts look as tiny as possible in comparison to the 4,000 yards of tweed hanging off my waist? Because I have elephantitis of the ankles, and this is the only thing that hides it? Absurd.

Exhibit C:

"Body Paint Pants"

I think if you wear these pants, you have to make sure that you are entirely pube-free. Otherwise, everyone would be able to see the outline of each and every curly crotch hair underneath your "pants," aka, "colored saran wrap." Because obviously you can't wear underwear under these things. The pantylines! Think of the pantylines! And while these pants kind of look cute on this girl, who is so skinny you could swing a cat through the gap between her legs, they would not look cute on me. There would most definitely be muffintop-age. And I don't even want to think of the camel toe implications. The horror!

So, I don't know what this means for my Old Lady pants predicament. Am I going to have to start shopping at, like, Chico's? And L.L. Bean? And watching "The View" and buying estrogen supplements and turning the air conditioning on full blast to combat my hot flashes?

Pants

One of my favorite bloggers is the super duper awesome Sarah Brown. She is a comic genius and my favorite kind of writer. My favorite kind of writer = someone who can take something you had never given any actual thought to, a situation/personality tic/feeling/etc., and describe it so perfectly that you go, "HOLY GOD, yes!! This is something I am constantly experiencing in my life, how have I never noticed this before??!" I love that.

I was reading yesterday's post, and I had one of those moments. The whole post is spectacular, but the part I totally connected with was when she described what an avid reader she is:

"Sometimes I am late to work because I read my shampoo bottle in the shower. Why? Because it is there. There are words on it. The same words as yesterday morning, but that really can’t be helped. If I don’t read them, who will?"

YES, Sarah Brown! ME TOO!! I could not have said it better myself! I have read every shampoo bottle I have ever used, thoroughly and repeatedly. I also mentally edit for grammar and punctuation. I stand there under the water, reading the words I have already memorized, when I should be dried off and entering the deodorant application portion of my personal hygiene routine. This affinity for shampoo literature has caused me a great deal of consternation during the past few weeks, however.

You see, my current 'poo/'ditioner have trivia questions on the back of them. Which is great for a person's shower library, BUT. It requires a matching set. My hair is all crazytown and has special needs, so I didn't get a matching set. I have "Drama Clean" shampoo (scalp tends toward greasy) and "Hello Hydration" conditioner (ends tend toward split).

This puts me in a predicament, because it leaves me with:

Question: Who, on average, do you spend the most time talking to on the phone?

Answer: Pants.

While this makes me giggle, it also sends my brain into spasms. I don't actually care about the real answer to the phone question. But I am dying to know what question out there is answered with "pants." Many a morning have I stood in my shower, slack-jawed and letting the room get blindingly steamy, wondering what question "pants" belongs to.

What is the British word for "undergarments"?

Which item on Spongebob is square?

What is the term for having your shorts pulled down by someone else, usually in front of a large group of people, probably at summer camp?

I wonder this every morning. (Or almost every morning. Sometimes sleep is more important than washing off the stink.) What, friends, is the right question? Suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Side note: One of my favorite movie scenes ever is in "Billy Madison" when Adam Sandler is in the tub and he makes Shampoo and Conditioner fight each other. Next time we are in the bathtub together, I will happily re-enact this scene for you, as I have committed it to memory. And then I will ask you to kindly step out of my bathtub, you pervert.