Totally cheating

This is a MySpace survey I filled out. But I spent all week on it in between working (embarrassing), so I thought I'd cheat and make it double as a blog post. Because I'm the boss of my blog! So take that, complainants! HA!

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Tired of those same old 55 questions about me surveys? Well here are 55 I guarantee you've never answered.

(I stole this from ViVi. I think this survey is just what 2007 has been missing.)

1. Is your second toe longer than your first?
I don't appreciate the tone of this question.

2. Do you have a favorite type of pen?
-is.

3. Look at your planner for January 26, what are you doing?
How can I answer this question accurately if you don't specify a year?

4. What color are your toenails usually?
Neon green. (Also, this toe fetish of yours is a little disturbing. Sicko.)

5. What is the last thing you highlighted?
Toenails.

6. What color are your bathroom towels?
No towels. Just Sears catalogs.

7. What color are the seats in your car?
Black and white, furry.

8. Have you ever had a black and white cat?
Still do, sort of -- see question 7.

9. What is the last thing you put a stamp on?
I have been advised by my attorney not to answer any stamp-related questions before the trial.

10. Do you know anyone who lives in Wyoming?
I'm not friends with people in square states. I stick with the squiggles.

11. Why did you withdraw cash from the ATM the last time?
Strippers don't accept IOUs, y'all!

12. Who is the last baby that you held?
Mmm, baby.

13. Do you know of any twins with rhyming names?
Lefty and Not-Lefty.

14. Do you like Cinnamon toothpaste?
Toothpaste, no. Buttpaste, YES.

15. What kind of car were you driving 2 years ago?
Clown.

16. Pick one: Miami Hurricanes or Florida gators?
Clowns.

17. Last time you went to Six Flags?
Forgive me if I find you bothersome.

18. Do you have any wallpaper in your house?
Types of paper in my house (an exhaustive list): construction, blotting, sand, note, toilet, scrap, recycled, tissue, towel, bag, mache, pad, news, wrapping

19. Closest thing to you that is yellow:
Do you sometimes wish it was okay to make Asian jokes?

20. Last person to give you a business card?
Your mom. I didn't know she was Senior Vice President of Whoring Around -- good for her!

21. Who is the last person you wrote a check to?
What is this, 1997?

22. Closest framed picture to you?
Frames are for yuppy douchebags.

23. Last time you had someone cook for you?
Mmm, baby.

24. Have you ever applied for welfare?
What a weird question.

25. How many emails do you have?
The real question is, how many shemales do I have?

26. Last time you received flowers?
Funny story: One summer when I was in, like, junior high, we found a little tortoise crawling up our driveway. He had some kind of red paint on his shell, so we named him Raphael -- like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle who also wore red. Raphael ate lettuce like a champ and was totally badass, and we were sure that if any members of the foot clan were lurking about, Raph would get all ninja up in their faces. Except when we came back from getting ice cream that afternoon, we discovered that Raphael had been completely cooked by the sun in his little cardboard box. Man, but that ice cream was good though.

27. Do you think marriage is meant for only a man & woman?
Yes. I also think the Earth is flat, that evolution is a load of crap, that women should not have the right to vote, and that global warming is something Al Gore made up as a political ploy. I also think the moon is made of bleu cheese and that if we are all really really good little boys and girls, we'll each get our own unicorn when we die.

29. Do you play air guitar?
No. I SHRED air guitar.

30. Do you take anything in your coffee?
No -- I like my coffee like I like my men... hot and black.

31. Do you have any Willow Tree figurines?
Over a thousand, yes.

32. What is your high school's rival mascot?
Buried in the ground!!!

33. Last person you spoke to from high school?
Oh wait, I never went to high school. I just went: elementary school, junior high, The Big Time.

34. Last time you used hand sanitizer?
I AM NOT MY MOTHER! I AM NOT!

35. Would you like to learn to play the drums?
Only if it doesn't cut into my air guitar rehearsal time.

36. What color are the blinds in your living room?
2/3 neon green. (Highlighter ran out.)

37. What is in your inbox at work?
Peanut butter sandwich. Needs jelly.

38. Last thing you read in the newspaper?
"Jen Garner lost Ben Affleck’s ring down the drain and had to have a plumber come pull it out." You just try and tell me that Us Weekly isn't news.

39. What was the last pageant you attended?
It is a condition of my parole that I not attend pageants.

40. What is the last place you bought pizza from?
Rodent fun fact: Many historians suggest that marmots, rather than rats, were the primary carriers of the Bubonic plague during several historic outbreaks.

41. Have you ever worn a crown?
No, but I will wear a crown as I'm riding atop my unicorn in the next life.

42. What is the last thing you stapled?
"Becky's Book of Rodent Fun Facts"

43. Did you ever drink Clear Pepsi?
Did you ever eat a knuckle sandwich?

44. Are you ticklish?
I have diarrhea. And yes.

45. Last time you saw fireworks?
I'll say this: Lee Greenwood was involved. And also tongue.

46. Last time you had a Krispy Kreme doughnut?
My bed is made of Krispy Kreme doughnuts, and my comforter is made of glaze.

47. Who is the last person that left you a message & you actually returned their call?
Parole officer.

48. Last time you parked under a carport?
SIGH. May I leave now?

49. Do you have a black dog?
Yes. No. Sort of. On holidays.

50. Do you have any pickles in your fridge?
Contents of my fridge (an exhaustive list): Brita water filter (UltraMax Dispenser; full), Thai Peanut Salad Dressing, lettuce (wilty), 2-Liter bottle of Diet Coke (flat), mostly eaten wedge of brie, mostly eaten kalamata olive loaf, 2 organic yogurts (blueberry, peach), milk (2%), coffee, mayonnaise (Best Foods), Asahi beer (1), bottle of wine (Viognier), butter (stick form), Country Crock Spreadable Butter *Now with yogurt (tub)

51. Are you an aunt or uncle?
Neither.

52. Who has the prettiest eyes that you know of?
Eyes are creepy.

53. When was the last time you saw a semi-truck?
Dunno, been under a carport all day.

54. Do you remember Ugly Kid Joe?
No. My parents were strict; I was raised in a bomb shelter. I wasn't allowed to Ugly Kid Joe.

Question 55 was too dumb, I deleted it.

Know what? Chicken butt.

Some people claim not to dream very frequently, or at least they don't remember their dreams. I dream a lot, especially during the hour of gauzy, late morning half-sleep I'm able to will myself into as the garbage truck bangs up and down the street.

Sometimes my dreams are totally cuckoo for cocoa puffs (ie: the world's cat population is trying to destroy all other forms of life, and I have to jam my family and as many dogs as I can find into my car so we can escape to a cat-free zone). Sometimes my dreams are totally mundane and boooooriiiing (I'm applying lip gloss, or scrubbing my bathroom sink). Other dreams are more legit, and they feature stressful, slightly modified real-life situations that are most likely freaking me out too much to thoroughly process during my waking hours. And there is yet another category of dreams wherein the specific events are preposterous, but the intensity of the emotion they provoke leads me to believe they are highly significant in some symbolic or veiled way.

Monday night I had a dream, the events of which were pretty unlikely... but it was extremely intense, and each of my senses were very much involved. I'm unclear as to where exactly I was and why, or whom I was with. But there I was with a handful of people, and we all had these bowls of food that we had to eat. So there I am, sort of munching and crunching away, when it dawns on me that the texture is a little funny.

What I am eating is not normal food.

It is all the discarded animal parts that you don't usually think about when you are eating a chicken sandwich or pork fried rice or any type of "normal" food items one might encounter as a carnivore.

To my complete and total horror, I looked down and saw that my bowl was filled with little eyeballs, chicken beaks, lobster claws, a pig's snout, and the thing that really sent me over the edge -- a delicate little duckling's foot. It was just as I picked up the little webbed foot that the horrible stench of all those random parts hit me. The odor was sour and vast and clinging -- like dumpster and vomit and the inside of the milk refrigerator at my old elementary school. My stomach turned like Brian Boitano in a triple-flip triple-toe loop combination.

Suddenly I realized that not everyone had to eat the nauseating appendage melange. After further inquiry, it became clear that anyone who was a vegetarian was excused. The rest of us were under punishment for being choosey about which animal parts we thought were ok to eat. If we chose to eat animals, we were stuck with the whole package: bones, beaks, tails and all.

I woke up from this dream completely drenched in sweat, with the foul stench still sort of lingering. I don't know if I believe any hoodoo about people getting important life messages through dreams or visions or burning bushes or talking walnuts, but the whole experience has left me traumatized enough to think maybe I should become a vegetarian, at least for a little while. I sort of doubt I could stick with it indefinitely, as I have all the willpower of a bar of soap. But for now, I can't pass the refrigerated meats section at Trader Joe's without imagining myself gnawing on a marinated chicken foot, and then my stomach gets all queasy, and my face contorts in ways that send small children screaming for their mothers.